Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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