Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
