I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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