There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
