my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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