dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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