Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
i wish my penis had a tongue
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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