This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
