Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
