so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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