my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
