OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
