**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I need a burrito and a hug.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
