this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
God I need to hump something, right now.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
