He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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