you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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