Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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