She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
