I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
We're too hungover to prance.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER