Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
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I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
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Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.