I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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