What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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