I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
