Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
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