It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I pour the whiskey from now on
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize