Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
