Everything about him screamed your future.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
