You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
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