The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
