I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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