i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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