Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
