shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
