I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
