I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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