I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
