All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
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