i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
