well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
