I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
