Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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