It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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