When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
