At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
