I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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