If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
