Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
