My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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