She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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