Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
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