we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
