Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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