girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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