I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Congratulations! We have a period
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
