theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I stole a fireplace last night.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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