First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
