woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Randomize
