Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
