You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
do herpes really smell.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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