Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Someone came in the potted fern
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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