When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
