why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
