I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
