someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
